To Him | Letters You'll Never Receive

It's okay sweetheart. I know one day you will leave. I know you fear what you don't understand. I will be here to guide you, I will also provide for you, protection. You are my little baby. Your life will be filled with many wondrous things if you keep going the way you are. On a road of perseverance, success and determination. You will manage to make it out in the real world without me.

I am here as something temporary. I will always be led back to the fork in the road that makes me forcibly choose whether or not to take my chances or to walk ahead. Alone. If I had a choice in the matter, I would choose not to make you perfect but have the luxury of not having my heart tugged and torn in a navigational twist.

You are the son of a trillion suns. You tame many wildfires that reside within me. Your eyes are as cool as the fruit of the earth. The Great Mother made sure to gift you correctly with them, as I am tranced within them every chance I get. On the bad days, your eyes create a thunderstorm; on good days, they shimmer with the brightest light of the skies. You are such a beautiful creature. If only you could see what I see.

I do not wish to lose you again. Our souls were bound once, to one another. We were an aspect of each other. Two people, one soul. Then I released you and all was lost...

I still await the day you allow us to bind once more. As I have said...I do not wish to lose you. Ever.
I've lost you one too many times in the past lifetimes. Now I have you...and I just want to hold you forever.

Again...that was only if I had a choice in the matter, but I don't. You do. This is your story now. I wrote mine. Hopefully, you take my hand into yours and jump with me into the void.

I love you, Alexander.

- BellaBeba

The Voices of Our Nation are like the Beating of a Ritual Drum

In this world are amazing things

from the Rocky Mountains to the streets of New York City.

As Roudy trots the plains,

Yak soars the streets.

Whether by horse or by bike,

inspiration and freedom are what they sing.

I hear the people of America singing.

Here is what they say

look back and ask life questions.

If you find yourself to be alone

know everyday that in the end

you have a home.

In the brightly lit city of San Franz

to the poverty-stricken slums of the streets.

A great man named Cecil accepts all sinners

to sing the songs of hope and justice with free reign.

There is love and passion in the air.

In the Spanish Harlem there is no fear

to dance that is.

Dancing the salsa is what they do

the Vazquez Brothers help everyone out.

Once you find that inner passion

you’ll forever find yourself in the grasp of love.

In the end everyone is important.

I am, you are and the world is too.

We are the People,

We are the Heart.

Just keep a little faith and nothing will fall apart.

🌏Bella Beba🌏

4 A.M. thoughts of Me.

I wish I may, I wish I might

I wish for something not available to sight.

I wish to feel, I wish to float

 I wish for something that ties the rope. 

I wish for prayer, I wish for love
I wish for happiness, I wish for one of Heaven's dove.

Please help me now, help me soar

Help me grant and aid me in settling this unfathomable score.

🔮Bella Beba🔮

Bridgeport

Trees swaying

Children playing

Misery hiding

As the birds perch upon the branches,chirping and chiding 

An evil brews beneath the city

Yet no one notices and no one is giving it any pity

The tunnels underneath creak and drip

All due to those soldiers at Remington, who died for their workmanship

Bombs, concealment and firearms

They all burned, vanquished and exploded due to the lack of alarms.

When will this city of the poor realize...

We live in an honorable city full of the dead

They live in our houses, they roam the streets

They stand in our windows, not caring about the difference between you and me.

Full of memory, full of fear

Living in a city that's name should be changed to Queer

We live in a city that was built around Remington

Now let us gravitate towards it, take off our skins and join the rest of the skeletons. 

🏭🔫💀Bella Beba🏭🔫💀

Memories.

Green leaves

Brown trees

Take in the fullness of it all

It is nature, it is freedom, yet freedom

Is not always as it seems.

Purple flowers

May showers

Feel the rain on your skin, but be grateful for it

It's all you have.

Croaking crows

Corn fields- home of the scarecrows

They say the world is a marvelous place sometimes

People can be very, very wrong 

So stay straight and be strong

Electric fire 

Rusty barb wire 

Can you hear the whispers from the dark?

Can you touch the mouth of the grave yet leave no mark?

Maroon cars

Shiny shooting stars

Life can be hard, but only if you're awake.

Can you see the truth behind the lies?

Can you meet someone without saying goodbye?

Can you walk through life without bearing shame?

Can you walk the Path without enduring pain?

🐦💀Bella Beba🐦💀

Missing the Tides (For: Him)

You know...it's two o clock in the morning and I'm missing you with all I've got.
I know you're probably sleeping though and that's okay...the thought of you sleeping this time makes me smile, as we both know you don't have much luck sleeping. I'm hoping things inside your mind are fine. My mind is filled with nothing but time. Some nights I lie awake and think of you in the dead silence, hugging tightly the stuffed animal you gave to me on one of those anniversaries...it's not the date that matters anymore...I've come to realize that the memory is greater than the date. My young mind and my old soul don't collaborate well sometimes, as it gives my brain much to huff on...again, I miss you.

I lie awake now behind the boundaries of a screen while you lie in your bed, eyes closed and soft, patterned breathes escape the boundaries of your lips and I wonder. I wonder if this time apart actually makes you think about me, if you miss me or if you ever have nights where you still wish you could kiss me..and hold me and just sleep. It's one thing to say you don't want me, it's another thing not to think about it entirely. You were always a man of your word, and although that has its rises...it also has its lows. My heart has not grown cold yet...I doubt it ever will when your name comes to mind. Despite all the things that have happened, my body still reacts the same whenever I think about you.

Love. Him. Sleep. Comfort. Happiness. Joy. Smiling. Laughter. Hugging. Kissing. Bond. Inseparable. Safe. 

All these things and more...My mind is playing a cinema's worth of memories...you and I are the lead roles...The collage is called "Missing the Tides."....

Won't you come watch it with me?...

❤️Bella Beba❤️

Her. You. Now. There.

She will one day reside on the outskirts of the cozy City of Venice. She's always wanted to go back to one of her homes. She's always wanted to travel the world. She's always wanted to speak the native tongues, to welcome all the people, to return back to her kingdom. She wants to forget all the bad and smile. She wants to live a happy life and leave all the bad behind. It is too much for her to carry by herself. 

She's always wanted a Forever Love. Always wanted to wrap him up in her arms and build her world around him. Make important decisions with him, work with him, do things, motivate and support him. She is fully capable of leading an independent life, she isn't hopelessly dependable. It is her decision to want to have a partner by her side. 

Deep down she is feisty and snappy. Her tongue is sharp and her eyes can hold a strong, fearful seriousness. She comes from a long line of strong, independent Latina, Africana and Italiano Women.
When push comes to shove, she won't back down. No one sees the side of her that works hard to get forward in life. Not even him. He doesn't need too, he already has a sense of her strong nature. She also is aware of it, but she is humble and will not surround herself with such pride. There are three kinds of people. Those who know they are strong, take that and brag about it to the masses and wear it about them like a cape of pride. Those who know they are strong but do not let it fill their heads up with said pride and remain humble for the sake of their sanity and those around them. Lastly, those who do not know they are strong and contradict themselves naively and blindly. Those are the strongest of them all. She falls in line between person two and three. 

When she wants a partner, she will wait for you. If not, you are not a thought in her mind. Not even a twinkle in her eyes and you must realize she is one filled with the most dreams. For now, she is on her own, but she will wait for him. For how long, is now unsure as her heart grows thinner and even colder with each day that passes by. 

The worst that could happen to you is that she actually stops caring for you. Once she stops caring, she stops loving and once she stops loving...You're Dead. 

🇮🇹Bella Beba🇮🇹

Humanity's Fall

I tell myself I have a bullet proof heart
It’s the only thing that keeps me from tearing apart
I know one day we all will go
Some will go fast, some slow
I hate to see them fall
Humanity has seem to hit a wall 
Everyone has seemed to change 
Everything’s been very out of range
I try my best to keep everyone in line
But the world’s decisions are not of mine
So I have no choice but to have fallen behind
I try my best but stay a victim of the Fall
The only thing to look forward to now
Is Mother Nature’s Ending Call

💀🌏Bella Beba🌏💀

When her heart breaks...💔

I hope one day someone realizes that I'm the best thing they've ever had, besides God and their will to live. I'm still waiting for it. A young woman can carry out a life of independence...but she can also have her dreams.

I wish for the day when he will come along and love me with all he's got. I yearn for a man who has a strong mind, a soft heart and a will to keep moving forward with me. Someone who will not dislike me for my past and who will only see me for who I am now. Someone who will not draw me in and love me and then throw me back when shit gets hard. I don't like being played...I don't like being tortured. I love with all I've got and I stick to my words...

Don't use me...Don't play me....Don't lead me on....Don't keep me around if you don't intend to love me with all of yourself. I'm not a stuffed animal, I'm not an inanimate object. I'm a human being. I exist. I have feelings, I have a heart and it beats. I have veins that carry blood and they hold the same color blood as you do so...Stop. 

If you're not going to love me...then......stop. 

Please.....Just. Take me already...*sighs* Just hurry up and claim me...Love me...please.

💔😢Bella Beba😢💔

Bohemian Queen 👑👓💐

Hipster. Boho. Wild. Free
I am alternative. You have got nothing on me.

Break my heart once, you leave alive.
Break my heart twice, you'll wish you'll have died.

Sweet on the inside,  yet poisonous to eat.
Caution, cuidado, I do not relate to treats.

Held above others, yet equal with all.
I am the Queen, and you?
Ah yes. Injured, yet recovering from the fall.

I advised you thrice before
Did anyone listen?
No, they were too busy
Living in their own ego maniacal fictions.

🌙🌺🌏Bella Beba🌙🌺🌏

Discretion. Aggression. Oppression. Depression.

You Can..

Burn me.
Break me.
Tear me.
Shake me.
But please, don't you dare wake me.

Leave me to rot
Let me lie within the bed of Forget-Me-Not's. 

Scrapes.
Dirty beds.
Date rapes.
Forced entry and illegal sex tapes.

Captivate.

While you watch ABC World News with David Muir
There are thousands of us.
White van.
Perversely lured.

Too young in age and too early upon marriage
Our future is what we never saw
Sore privates and bared ribs.

Sharia's Law. 

💀Bella Beba💀

💤Good Night💤

Clear skies, foggy minds, red tides, no time.
Connected yet apart, loved yet stripped of heart.
Crumbling tiles, broken tables, unclean bridal.
Forsaken groom, intimacy but no room.

Darkness. light, death has never looked so bright.
"Come." Said He. "You no longer have to fight for life another night."
So I went and let go of all my strife. Jumped the ledge of the rooftops and took flight.

Good Night.

 💔💤Bella Beba💤💔

No More

Walls.
Boundaries.
Brackets.

After being through the fire, you no longer feel the three degree burns that once made you screech in agony. 

Rain.
Patter. 
Pitter.

The soul is what is not seen, the heart is no longer sweet, it's bitter. The eyes that once calmed me, make me want to die. 

Broken.
Shattered.
Choked
Battered. 

The Abuse is my friend. The Depression is a friend of Misery and of misery? Company. 

I can't do this anymore.

Send help...

💀Bella Beba💀

A letter to the boy in the joggers and white top (reality)

Don't you understand why she loves you? You silly boon.

"Baby"
"maybe"
"stay with me"
"that is she"
"take off your tee"
 "Let me see. Turn the light off so I can be satisfied with just your body"

All contradictions of what have been relayed to her ears, to her boundaries of hearing and listening. This is what has been said to her by others...others that are not you.

She doesn't need a man to make her life sweet but you see she only wants the ones who never see her, you noticed her when she was invisible. She was broken, invisible, transparent and make-believe. You saw her, you noticed her, you talked to her, you actually grew feelings for her. Now you love her. Don't you?...Yeah. We thought so.

You feel that weight of responsibility on your shoulders? The invisible weight that hurts your back, that hard-pressed lean into your shoulders that makes your knees want to buckle from under you?
Feel responsible for her happiness? Her calmness? Her love? You want the satisfaction of seeing that bright, dimple-cheeked, uneven smile spread across her face, don't you? That's what it is with her. In her lifetime, with the less life and more so, accustomed time she's had, she doesn't really give real smiles, or real laughter to just anyone and you know that. However, when she does give them, you can't help but sigh a little inside and give yourself a pat on the back. She only gives those smiles to one person, all the time. That's you. Whether you admit it or not, deep down, whether it may not be your surface judgement, it is your mate and animal instinct. To bring order, to bring peace and to maintain love and happiness. Like all of the male sex, you circulate around what is yours to keep it safe, to keep it maintained. She is yours, even when "she is not."  You know that.

You tried to send her away more than a few times. Told her to leave, to not worry about you anymore, to forget, to live life as if you were still there, to find someone else...which broke her heart. More than a few times, it's a wonder how she's still alive..she thinks about suicide everyday, in the back of her mind. She's felt unloved for a month now and has been quietly thinking about a dance with Death for some time now also.

It's always the kid with the good grades, the big heart and the brightest smile that people are always so devastated about when the headlines pop up in the newspaper or on the local news. She's holding back because a few years ago, she promised someone she wouldn't..she promised she would keep fighting. Well war has finally broke her spirit, she's heavily wounded and it's been pouring rain heavily across the lands. The masses of dead bodies on the battle ground are being swallowed up by the tender, unforgiving earth and Mother Nature isn't sparing either the living or the dead.
Knee deep in the ground, she's quit calling out for help a long time ago when she realized everyone purposely turned their ears away from her. Everyone kept their eyes downcast, their mouths tight and their hearts locked away, if they had any at all. Just like when she was a child, when she needed them most...someone. There was no one. 

You may feel responsible for her, but she also feels responsible for you. That's what being each others other half is all about. The weight of each other's worlds are lying on your shoulders, so to ease the pain, you come together and love each other as much as you can. There's no need to feel pressure, she's not blaming you for all the bullshit that's happened to her except for the parts that you were actually responsible for but she loves you because you are you...and you are worth everything to her. When you've been abandoned like she was, you cherish the good people more often and you fight to keep them in your lives...even if they hurt you along the way....they always say: "the ones who hurt you the most, tend to love you the most..."

"You make me feel safe." She whispered and with that, she left...

💞💗💕Bella Beba💞💗💕

Secrets, doors, muted and more.

Once ago there was a teenage girl about the age of 16, she would sit in her room and drop hints to adults and kids all around the world about a childhood that no child should have lived, she would write whenever she could, on whatever she could. Napkins, scrap papers, white printer papers, tawny script paper, anything. She lived with two guardians who weren’t so nice to her. She loved to go in her own little world where no harrowing things happened to her, her parents always chided her about the smallest of things. Her mother was a substance abuser and a whore. Her father, a rapist and manipulative man who suffered from mental disorders. He would abuse his daughter and girlfriend in ways that the public saw as heinous, the daughter would never say anything because she was too afraid to speak up and was too young to understand.

She lived in a house that was filled with wonders that were her own little secret. Many told her she acted as a complete child and was delusional, there were reasons for this. Her mind would recede back to the times of her youth when her mind wouldn’t and couldn’t  remember so many bad things...she preferred it that way. Every day, she would crawl into a secret passageway door in the old Victorian house and hide in the walls. She would talk to the voices that stayed with her when she was scared. Her stuffed kitty, her manual horse stick head, and hid in the walls to get away from the screaming, crying, cursing and beating happening in the other side of the house.

As she lives in a different place now, she is filled with hatred, fear and violation as she remembers the disgusting treachery her parents committed. Stealing her childhood….she looks for comfort in music, writing, her hubby and people who will listen. She hides behind a smile, and behind a screen. One day...maybe she’ll tell her story..but for now...this is where she parts ways. Farewell.

-The Girl Who Hid in the Walls.

👄💀Bella Beba 💀👄

Snippet of the mind {01}

♡ "There is telepathy between the hearts." ♡

♡♡Bella Beba♡♡

↘ Anastasian Script ↙

I want to go back to that place...the one that made my heart race.

Bum. Pat. Pit. Tat. What is that? Oh? T'was my heart...lying in ruins, as I fall apart. 

No, please yield in your efforts to console me...for I, too, know what it feels like to yearn to be free...Like a mouse caught under the crushing weight of its predator, I am no different, you see..

One, skip two and fast forward to three. Waltzing in a courtyard full of blood, roses and weeping willow trees. I can only be me..but it seems that for centuries my soul has never pleased thee...

I dance with death to rid the strain, for life abused me and caused me much pain. Woe is me as I flock to the edges of my mind...a world that dealt a cold hand...gave me no time. I call to the darkness, in hopes for a reply...but in my world, you're begging is as good as a deaf person's cry. 

Bite your tongue and blood surfaces clean, cut your wrists and well...hope to God He accepts a lifeless corpse pumped with morphine. Tourniquets! Save this girl! Someone cries. Even in unconsciousness, I would smile...because what they don't know is that for all the days that I have breathed...I have silently been whispering my good-byes...and now...what of me? 

What of me now is that I can fly. So weep me not, I am still alive, not in life but in a different time. In a different world...where my heart can breathe, where my mind is free and where I can finally, finally be me....

   

💀💔Bella Beba💔💀

Only in your dreams...💔

Stripped sheets, broken glass, shattered mirrors, and permanent frowns. 

All she ever wanted was to be accepted, cherished and loved all around. 

All her life she has never asked for much, now she asks for strength and patience as she lies alone in the dark center of a room full of loud silence, creeping darkness and a transparent figure who won't stop whispering hush. 

"When things get bad, go to sleep." "Go to sleep to get rid of the pain." "Forget them, all of them."

The transparent figure with the soft, monotone voice coos at her, and that is exactly what she did. 

She lied on her bed, cuddled the stuffed animal he once gave her and slept for hours and hours. Stuck in a dream land where he was there...in gray and black joggers and a white top. Waiting for her in the swooping low branches of the pastel green trees. Climbing, laughing, complimenting, cherishing...loving. All these things he gave her in this world, sometimes she wished she could stay. Stay with the him that loved her for who she was, never trying to change her...never winding her up and throwing her away. Serious eyes and handsome smiles, genuine and real, true love. Every time before waking up, in her dream land she would lie with him in her garden and sob because she knew pretty soon, she'd have to go. It broke his heart every time to know that the other side of him...the one who hurts her, whether it be intentional or not, is the one she has to face again upon returning to Consciousness. Holding her tightly, he'd shower her with as much love as his non-existent self could before Reality took the love of  his life away from him again. The number one rule of her world is that "Good-byes" are not permitted. She hates the word goodbye..."Never say Goodbye. Goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting..." 

"I promise I'll stay with you forever, I won't leave you in the gutters like everyone else did." 

"You're crazy but I love you." Alright, Alexander. I'll remember all these things for which you have told me...don't you dare forget. I remember everything...

💔Bella Beba💔

Don't Press ►

Don't ►me. I'm not just some Walkman you can turn on and off. I am vintage, I am ancient, yet reliable. I relate well with vinyl and tape recorders, we are to be treated respectfully...yet all you did was play me. You wound me up and let me go...wound me up and let me go....and go and go...but you never came back to wound me up again. You never came back to clean me, to reminisce in the memories, to find comfort in my songs...you left me on the dusty shelf in the back of your mind...along with everything else you lock up when you don't like to feel responsible for your actions. You played me...and you left me. Don't ever touch my ► button again...you don't deserve it.

💔Bella Beba💔

Imperfect Fragments

Age is like a flower, we all blossom into what we're meant to be. All imperfect beings is what we are. Beautiful masterpieces are non-existent--beautiful things exist, yes, masterpieces do not. We cannot find perfection in a broken place--yet we also cannot find said thing in a built and sturdy place. We can find perfection in that place in between. 

Fragments. Pieces. Scraps. Slips. Tacky snippets. This is what life is. Moments count, every millisecond is precious to the hourglass hanging above our heads and hidden within the clouds. 
Choose wisely what you spend your jar of sand on, every grain counts. 

Time is not a right, nor a privilege.

Time is tic

Tic is toc

Switch the flip

And bolt the lock 

Your life is the prime

Procrastination is the crime

So please, just please

Don't waste anymore of your time.   

♥►Bella Beba♥►

Hap-hazardous Selections

Your heart is as delicate as the petals of a flower. Water keeps flowers alive whilst love keeps our hearts alive. The reality you know is not the same from the one my mind creates with the absence of shame.  

Love, beauty and death have all but one conclusion, connections, pain, sacrifice and lastly hallucinated illusions. We live in a world that does not even exist, eyes open wide and your blind, close your eyes tight and you're fine. Feed water to the soil and up grows a sturdy vine, the vine of prosperity where many enter but fall out of line. They're all fine but those who aren't drink their troubles away with wine. The man that lacks money will never hear the chime, in time to feed his or her family a healthy dine.

 Then again...the world is only a dream and I am only one of a kind. So what of flowers, love, time, dine and wine...when all we want is to be found, bound, safe and sound in a universe we aren't even sure isn't really just a higher power's play toy left abandoned on the ground... 

🔮Bella Beba🔮

Left for Dead

Abandoned, rejected, hated and lost.
Thrown around, from family hands to family hands like a ball in a game of toss.
Gone and bluntly forgotten.

Not alone but lonely
Given to strangers in a world long gone cold
Despite the young appearance, my soul is one of Old. 

"If they cared for you, you would have stayed..." I was told.
I'm here now though, all alone

So tell me now, just tell me...

Where do I go? 

💔Bella Beba💔

Cracked but not broken

There are days when I don't feel like getting out of bed. With my past biting at my heels--It's hard to trudge on.

I miss the home I never had
I miss the love I never got
I miss the house that was never bad
I miss the safe haven in my thoughts

I am not an outcast, a reject, or a bastard. I am in a category all on my own. I miss my quiet home in the garden, the love of my life who waited for me in the low branched trees. The boy with joggers and a white top, frisky hair and a soft heart; stern eyes and a bond between that makes no room for a part. 

I am cracked severely but not yet broken. 
The past holds many doors open but I know the future provides my freedom token...

Bella Beba

Words of nonsensical advice.

"You're caring, loving and beautiful..." one of the many things he has said to me. He does not make my stomach flutter, he has never made my stomach flutter. This is a good thing. In all the relationships I have been in, I have realized that whenever a male makes your stomach feel like a new home for butterflies, it is not a good thing. A repeating cycle of that is not heart string pluckiness, it is a warning to run. Far away. Hastily.  

Three to four years of commitment takes a good, large toll on the heart. Things have been complicated from time to time but it is quite alright. What is a relationship without a few arguments and disagreements? It is not a healthy relationship at all, it is a relationship filled with cotton candy trees, gold wrapper covered chocolate brick roads, and sugar coated streams. A location of non-existence. Arguments make the love stronger, especially after the make-up session. Love your partner...despite the good or the bad. Marriage or dating...Be committed. It pays off immensely. When things get rocky, stick it through. 

Things will get better if you just fight for them. Just make sure you are not the only one fighting for something...

💔 Bella Beba