p.s. - farewell

 A new time has begun now and you left me alone - finally.

I honestly wish I could stop thinking about you. I think not of you often but I do from time to time.

You come into my head like a thief. A thief of joy and space. You do not pay rent to stay inside of my head, so why is it that you choose to stay? 

It was once said that if you are thinking of someone - they are likely thinking of you too; hence why you would be thinking of them in the first place. Humans are telepathic in that way...

I hope you leave my head soon. You deserve not to stay inside of it. You lied to me, disrespected my body, broke my heart, left me without giving me closure, I have no doubt you cheated on me, then you went for a malfunctioned look a like of me. 

Instead of staying with me and owning up to your flaws and issues. Instead of healing and taking responsibility...you left me. You ran away and went for someone clueless because you knew you couldn't control me anymore. You saw that I did not shrink under you anymore. You saw these things and more and you ran away. You found someone clueless and someone weaker than I. 

Just because you ran away does not mean your problems and toxicity left you. You just dragged all that crap away from me and onto her. I knew she knew you were with me, too. Both of you will get what you deserve - however that goes. You will see one day what you have done and you will die in the grave that you have dug yourself. 

The curse has taken its effect already - so now your spirit is trying to persuade me to lift it. I will not. It was your own doing. 

I will be abandoning this blog and starting anew. As this blog became all about you - along with the sadness and abuse you caused me. 7 years had come and now they have passed. 

I am done with you, Alexander. 

Good Bye. 

- Bella Beba 

Missing Home

When your life is overcome with overwhelming sadness and pain, all you wish is to disappear.
I have been on this plane of existence for nineteen consecutive, mundane years, according to the law of man.

I do not like the constructs of this world. I am saddened by it. I wish to throw myself against the force of Spirit, so that I may be disassembled and carried away from the realms of this plane.
I want to be wanted and I do not feel that. I want to be loved and I do not feel that. I want to be complete and I do not feel that. I speak with Spirit every waking moment, and every idle moment.
The directions in which my Higher Self have set in place for me are all but indignant to my role here on this Plane of Eternal Suffering.

I came here to awaken the souls from Home. I am being torn in the process. The early childhood of this hosting vessel was an unbearable feat. No one understands. No one is awake enough to process me. I feel as the messenger, Jesus, when he was sent from Home. How I cannot imagine the pains he went through, being so awakened amongst a flock of souls who have dimmed dormant and amnesiac!

My hosting heart and internal organs suffer at the weight from the psychological damage that ensues on the daily. No one understands this somber and excruciating pain that I endure throughout my days. I wish to return Home, but alas I am given no relieve!!

Explanation.

One’s image can be as solid as the rocks of stone hedge or as distorted as a playful hand smashing against still waters. Humans are the many ripples that bounce away from the source of impact or the gravity that keeps a rock planted and sound.

- bb. 

li.brary though.ts | nov 07. 18

Cold hands.
Chapped lips.
Head swarming with the sea.

I have aches between my rib cage
and a life so far away is all I see.

I can smell the sunshine
I can taste the breeze
I long for an era filled with harmony.

The time falls like moonlight
falling down on me
but the time I need
is the time I cannot sew or seam

Like grains of sand between the toes of God
I watch my future with tear-filled eyes andprudent nods.

Life has struck me adamaged hand.
But with hope and faith
I know all my doubts filled with "I cant's" will transform into "I can's."

**b.b // 5:50 p.m.**

Deceit

Things are so rarely what they seem

Like every beautiful vessel - poison doth lies asunder

Yet, at the moment of a fool's luminosity, we can be tricked into

the deception of one's beauty.

-bellabeba

I'll meet you in the 8th ocean of the lost
Where whirlpools continuously spin
and all of the world's dreams are tossed.

From the time you were cast onto this plane
I lied in wait for the moment your earthly host
would be introduced to excruciating pain.

nm

Celestial Entries #0235

You will never understand me, my love. I do not belong here. I never belonged here. I feel so alone. The people I came here with no longer reside here. You and I were like one but then you changed. You let this world change you. How could you forget the path? How could you stray? How could you betray? Why would fall victim to the ruthless ways of this plane. We are not humane, my dear. Why must I speak to you as if you are like them. You are different. Like me. Like Us.

I know you have a soft spot in your heart for the humans. For the ways of humanity but we are not them. We are but living their lives, testing. Trouble shooting. Your mindset has changed. Your inner soul is being afflicted and you are allowing it!

Please…come back. We do not belong here. Or rather, I never did. Therefore, I never saw a future for myself here. Maybe therefore I am more depressed here than I am happy. Please do not mistake these journal entries as one of bitterness and hate. I am confused and broken.

I did not take care of my human host –my human shell. She will forever feel incomplete. The two souls that governed mine have left this plane forever. They no longer reside here to guide me. I weep for them sometimes…I do.

I feel like I am nearing my time here…I truly do…

 – Eden’s Soul Essence

-bellabeba